Monthly Archives: February 2018

Here is the second hypothetical situation presented to the 2016 Enneagram panel. Each person responded to the scenario by stating how they would feel, what they would think, and what they would say and do.

Situation: You discover that a family member is writing a tell-all memoir in which he plans to outline his grievances against several other family members, including you. 

Type 1: I would actually feel fairly safe. And what I would think is, Go for it! Write it. I would read it.

Type 2: I’d be surprised, shocked, gasp…me, little me? And I would be hurt. Then I would think, What happened to this person? They’re out of their ever-loving mind to do this to their family. What about the feelings of the other people involved in this family? I would want to see them face-to-face. I would want to show them that they are loved and cared for and to figure out if there was a reason that made them go in this direction to strike out. And I would ask them if there was something I could do that would help alleviate whatever anger or frustration was going on to do this.

Type 3: I don’t have to say it. I’d feel outraged. Outraged! How dare you? And I would confront the family member, really close face-to-face, and say, What the hell do you think you’re doing? And when that person says, Well, I’m going to write it anyhow because (the Type 1) is going to read it, then what I’ll do is get the other family members together and say, We can’t let this happen. And we would gang up on that person. And if that person doesn’t give in, moderate some of this, they’re cut off.

Type 4: Well, I would feel horrified and humiliated to have family secrets revealed, especially ones about me. I guess I haven’t led as good a life as (the Type 1) has. But I would think the person who is revealing all of this information is misguided at least and selfish and inconsiderate at worst. What I would say and do would depend upon who the offender is. If it was someone close, I would want to know why he is doing that and express my dismay. If it was someone not so close, I would probably just break off the relationship.

Type 5: Well, I really wouldn’t care. There are always at least two sides to the story. I would not attempt to interfere. Not surprisingly, I recently read a book that interviewed 20 memoirists, and each one of them spoke to the issue of writing about others and how much to include of other people’s lives and discussed the pros and cons. But none of those authors would condone writing a memoir in order to prove that you are right. I also believe that this family member’s motives would probably be obvious because that’s the nature of writing.

Type 6: How do I feel? I can’t even access that. Really what’s going on is I can imagine all the horrible things that I’ve done and how they might be interpreted, and I’m totally overwhelmed and shut down by the number of things that might be revealed and what people will think about me. That’s what’s really going on. I guess those are actually all thoughts, though. Surprise. What do I say and do? Depends a lot on the quality of the relationship and my perception. I don’t know. I have no clue what I would do.

Type 7: I agree with (the Type 3). I would probably get together with the other family members and say, This person has completely and totally lost their mind. But in the process of doing that I would also get with the family member and say, This is what you’re going to do; if you write this, this is what it’s going to do to these specific people. Not necessarily mentioning myself, but I would try to talk them out of it and try to do some kind of intervention to stop it from being written.

Type 8: I find it very interesting that everyone assumes  this is going to be published. Because nowhere here does it say it’s going to be published. It just says they wrote it. They’re writing it. It’s not even done yet. How I would feel would totally depend on if he had already expressed his grievance to me personally before taking it public. And I would think it totally depends on what I did that his grievance is about. I tend to stand by my actions, so I would probably be OK and think it’s just his side of the story and he has a right to it. What I would say and do depends on so many things, but mostly what I did.

Type 9: I would feel angry and concerned, not particularly about myself but about what would it do to the family and the family members. And I would think that he’s vindictive and emotionally immature. I would try to draw him out and listen to why he has his grievances and then explain to him and help him see how he’s hurting himself as well as others.

How do you think you might respond to a situation like this? Would you feel safe, horrified, angry, or concerned?

The scenarios are the highlight of the annual Enneagram Panels. Each year, I present the panel with four hypothetical situations in which something unexpected happens. In such cases, we often fall back on our automatic responses, which can reveal quite a bit about type. I ask each person to tell us how he or she would feel, what they would think, and what they would say and do. Here are the responses from the first situation presented to the 2016 panel.

Situation: You are invited to participate on a committee based on your expertise in a particular area. But once you join the committee, you find out the chair doesn’t want input from anyone; she only wants to tell everyone what to do.

Type 1: I would feel disappointed. I would ask “what’s the point?” And I probably would stop going. I probably wouldn’t say anything.

Type 2: Poor person. I would feel sorry for them because they wouldn’t know how to really run a committee. I would think they weren’t very bright, there was something was amiss, or they were fearful of communicating so they felt that they had to control. Also I’d wonder what Enneagram type they are. I would probably try to engage the person by asking them questions to see if they were truly closed up or if they were willing to open up and communicate a little better—to get a dialogue going.

I might manipulate the situation by flattery or asking for advice just to communicate better. But if it was a committee that I really didn’t care about, and I didn’t feel that the mission statement was purposeful for me, I would probably make an excuse that I had something else and I would decline to stay on the committee. But I would probably try to make a friend on the committee if it was something I did like, and then we would have fun doing whatever task that person assigned us. We would just do it our way.

Type 3: Given my aggressive type and my love of image, I would be furious that someone was going to tarnish my reputation. I have been invited because of my reputation and expertise and you don’t want to listen to it? So what do I think? Right, lady (to the chairperson). I would talk to her and say, This is not how this is going to work. If she was opposed to that or wasn’t listening, then I would go to her supervisor. If that didn’t work, then I would be the rabble rouser and we would have a mutiny, and we would get going.

Type 4: I would feel let down to find that someone who seemed to want my input didn’t really want that. I would think she’s a controlling person who doesn’t value the opinions of others. I would probably not say much if I felt my opinion wasn’t valued and would discuss it with the others on the committee to see what they thought. If possible, I would try to quietly withdraw from the situation. I would speak up if she’s saying something within my area of expertise that is wrong, but I wouldn’t like doing that because I’m not comfortable with confrontation.

Type 5: I would be suspicious of the chairperson’s motives, but I would not confront her directly. I would just ask her questions that would force her to make answers that would reveal her intentions. But I would also be very relieved that no one is asking me to be the leader.

Type 6: As soon as the Type 3 on the panel started speaking, I noticed myself running to my 9. Because if she’s being the bulldog, I’m going to be the peacemaker. But what’s interesting is my center, the 6, gets completely left out because I’m just going to adapt to whatever’s going on because this is obviously a dangerous situation. How do I feel? I don’t have any feelings. Because what’s really going on is I’ve taken this entire thing personally. I’m worth nothing.

I’ll end up thinking a lot about all of this and all the ways that this could have been handled. I’m typically overwhelmed with possible ways to respond because I can’t always figure out well, if I respond this way to the idiot in charge, it’s going to upset my friend over there. So there are all these possibilities I’m imagining and thinking through. We’re very busy. I would look for either a clear entrance point where the idiot was wrong and point it out and disassemble them, which is my 3. Or I would look for a connection with the person so I could foster some kind of genuine connection and then operate from that place of strength.

Type 7: I would be extremely irritated that I’ve wasted my time. I’ve taken time out of my day. I have other things to do that were important that I gave up in order to help with this project. I would probably, depending on the situation and who the leader actually is, either voice my opinion and leave or I would just get up and walk out.

Type 8: I would also be wasting my time, and I would think this is not going to be fun. But I would actually call her out on it in front of the group, in a nice way. Something along the lines of: you have a group of people here who really know their stuff and that would like to be involved. Why don’t you let them do what they do best and take some of the pressure off yourself? And then I’d call attention to each person’s strengths for her to pick from. And if she didn’t, I’d leave.

Type 9: I would be very resentful. That’s how I feel. And I would think that this is a waste of my time and a waste of my skills. If she wasn’t willing to hear my suggestions—this is my flight stance—I would quit the committee.

How do you think you might react in a similar situation?