Mindfulness meditation music for the Feeling center (for everyone).
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.–Jalal al-Din Rumi
Posted in Feeling Center, Mindfulness, Type 2, Type 3, Type 4
Tagged Enneagram, Feeling Center, Mindfulness, Rumi
We Need Help (Photo credit: Alain-Christian)
2s see themselves as caring, sympathetic, kind, nurturing, friendly, giving, compassionate, warm-hearted, and above all, helpful.
2s make good friends. Having a 2 in your corner can be very reassuring. They will readily offer their assistance—sometimes even before the other person is aware he or she needs it. 2s’ sense of self-worth depends upon how valuable they are to others, or how valuable they perceive themselves to be.
Everyone needs a helping hand from time to time, and we can probably agree that there isn’t enough genuine altruism in the world. So it’s easy to applaud the selfless behavior of 2s. It’s also sometimes easy to take advantage of it since 2s really, really want others to like them.
Of course, as with all the types, there’s a catch. If 2s aren’t acknowledged for all they do and recognized for the important role they play, they may either turn into martyrs or lash out at the very people they had previously lavished their love and attention on.
In The Enneagram Spectrum of Personality Styles, Jerome Wagner lists repression as the primary defense mechanism of 2s:
Because your own needs make you anxious, you keep them out of your awareness by repressing them. You project your needs onto others (so other people are needy, but you aren’t).
Needy is kind of a loaded term. There are people all over the world in need of the most basic elements of survival: food, water, shelter, clothing, and personal safety. They are undeniably needy, or at least in need. Then there are those of us who haven’t experienced those kinds of needs and aren’t likely to.
But emotional needs are important, too. The mental health profession makes an interesting distinction between needs and neediness. Becoming aware of and expressing one’s needs is a positive thing. Being a needy person, however, is generally viewed negatively. On top of that, we have the cultural dissonance (somewhat reflected in the divisiveness of U.S. politics) that applauds both self-reliance and toughing it out, on the one hand, and concern for the less-fortunate, on the other.
Everyone of us needs to show how much we care for each other and, in the process, care for ourselves.
–Princess Diana
In a way, 2s reflect our society’s discomfort and ambivalence about needs, neediness, and needy people. Although quick to identify, sympathize with, and respond to others’ needs, they relegate their own needs to the shadowland. In a way, they tend to themselves by tending to others. But, of course, that indirect route isn’t really very satisfying for either party.
Don Riso and Russ Hudson (The Wisdom of the Enneagram) suggest 2s examine their motives:
Twos tend to give too much and then regret it. Be brutally honest with yourself about your motives when you do anything for anyone. Learn to doubt your own rationales. Learn to listen to your body and your heart: when both ache, you know that you are hurting, and giving more to others so that they will appreciate you will not ultimately heal that hurt. On the other hand, closing down and cutting off ties with others will not solve the problem, either. Only brutal honesty about your intentions and your needs will do.
I’m not so sure about the being “brutally” honest part. Many 2s are carrying around a huge bag of unmet needs, so I think they need to be gentle with themselves. Getting into the habit of asking, “What do I need in this situation—or right now?” can help them slow down, settle down, and learn to focus inward, rather than outward.
The irony for 2s is that acknowledging their own needs—and being straightforward and honest about getting them met—can actually lead to the deeper, more intimate connections they crave. The more they take care of themselves, the more they will be able to freely offer themselves to others, and the more likely they are to develop the genuine friendships and relationships they are looking for.
Resolution (Photo credit: The hills are alive)
Sometimes it’s best to be LESS than we can be, especially when it comes to the all-too-entrenched compulsions of our personality.
So here are some resolutions for the new year that run counter to our natural inclinations. If your past resolutions have worked as well as mine, you might be up for giving one or two of these a try.
Type 1:
Type 2:
Type 3:
Type 4:
Type 5:
Type 6:
Type 7:
Type 8:
Type 9:
Happy New Year!
NOTE: As of January 2013, new Nine Paths posts will be published every Monday and Friday instead of every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
Captain Jean Luc Picard on board the Enterprise (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Jean Luc Picard was the captain of the Enterprise. So his directive to “make it so” was aimed at the people under his command in order to further some aspect of the starship’s current mission.
Each of us is on a mission, too, though probably not an interstellar one. And we give ourselves directives to keep focused on our particular mission.
Type 1: Watch Yourself!
Type 2: Ignore Yourself!
Type 3: Distinguish Yourself!
Type 4: Be Yourself!
Type 5: Prepare Yourself!
Type 6: Brace Yourself!
Type 7: Enjoy Yourself!
Type 8: Push Yourself!
Type 9: Hide Yourself!
Posted in Humor, Type 1, Type 2, Type 3, Type 4, Type 5, Type 6, Type 7, Type 8, Type 9
Tagged Enneagram, Jean Luc Picard, Make it so, personality, Personality type
avid reader (Photo credit: sekihan)
The New Yorker ran an article by Joan Acocella on 10/15/12 titled “Turning the Page: How women became readers,” in which she reviews “The Woman Reader,” by Belinda Jack. (See link below.)
I’ve been reading for enjoyment, information, and edification ever since I learned how to translate letters into words and words into meaning; it’s something I’ve always take for granted.
But for centuries women were widely forbidden to read. Thank Gutenberg for making books so easy to get that men gave up trying to keep women away from them. But there were still a few obstacles remaining before women gained free access to books. One of them was the 19th Century belief that women were prone to hysteria as a result of their “strong emotions.”
One London doctor wrote that female patients might be allowed fiction but should be carefully watched. If a novel seemed to worsen a woman’s condition, it should be taken away and replaced by “a book upon some practical subject; such, for instance, as beekeeping.”
However, the 19th Century is also when novels became hugely popular–and some of them were even written by women!
All well and good (and I highly recommend the article), but what does any of this have to do with the Enneagram? One paragraph in Acocella’s piece describes a 2004 study of 800 educated British adolescents, who were “asked to name their ‘watershed books,’ books that sustained them ‘through key moments of transition or crisis in their lives.'”
The results of the study purport to reveal how boys’ and girls’ reading choices differ in “stereotypical ways.”
The boys chose The Stranger, One Hundred Years of Solitude, and The Catcher in the Rye. The girls chose Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, and Anna Karenina. (Acocella adds: “lest anyone doubt that women prefer tales of love and marriage.”)
I don’t prefer tales of love and marriage. I’ve read all of those books, and I’m firmly in the boys’ camp as far as which ones had more of an influence on me. In fact One Hundred Years of Solitude is my favorite novel of all time.
Admittedly Enneagram type 3 or 8 women and Myers-Briggs type ENTJ women do not constitute the majority of women. But we do exist. And we do not conform to the stereotypes the psychologists and scientists and–now–writers keep trying to shove down our throats. The same goes for Enneagram type 2 or 4 men, who also exist and who also do not conform to gender stereotype.
Individual temperament–meaning personality type–is usually a more accurate indicator of a person’s habits and proclivities than whether that person is male or female. But gender stereotyping is easy. Understanding temperament is quite a bit more complex.
What book or books influenced you as a young reader?
If you’re travelin’, you need a road song, and everyone loves a good road song, right? But not everyone likes the same song or moves to the same beat. So here’s my list of road songs by type:
You get a little bonus hit of Down the Road as an intro.
A student in a group I facilitated years ago (not the group pictured above) brought in a list of “twisted affirmations” she’d come across. As she read them aloud, we realized how easily they could be categorized by Enneagram type. So that’s what we did. There were many more affirmations than the nine below, but some types got off pretty easy while others seemed to come out far more “twisted.” So to keep it fair (I’m an 8, after all), I’ve chosen what seems to be the most representative twist for each type. I would love to credit the author, but I have no idea who he/she is.
Type 1
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.
Type 2
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep quiet.
Type 3
To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I’m giving as much as I’m getting.
Type 4
I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more.
Type 5
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.
Type 6
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.
Type 7
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Type 8
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
Type 9
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
~ ~ ~
Sometimes you just need to be able to laugh at yourself.
2s do genuinely care for and about other people. When they see that someone is in need, they honestly want to help. But the payoff for their helpfulness—and for their efforts at people-pleasing—is that they get to feel needed and important. The fact that they tend not to put themselves in the spotlight and are more comfortable being the power behind the throne doesn’t mean they don’t want recognition. It’s just that what they want recognition for is how much the person taking center stage couldn’t have done it without them.
Yes, pride is considered the 2s passion (or “sin”), but that isn’t the whole story. 2s need to feel valued and appreciated. When they don’t get feedback that lets them know what they do is noticed, they begin to think that what they’re most afraid of is true: they don’t really matter. This often initiates a renewed effort to do more and more and more in order to force others to acknowledge them.
2s are convinced it’s what they do for others that is the source of their significance to the people in their lives. But if they can let go of that belief, they might be able to see that being with others—really being present, warts and all (not helpfully, cheerfully, or flatteringly)—is the greater gift they have to give.
If you are a 2, try embracing your inner Pip-Squeak by recognizing that you can’t be all things to all people, so you might as well relax and stop trying. Maybe you aren’t the most important person in a particular situation. Maybe sometimes they can actually do it just fine without your help. That’s OK. Bring yourself to the party anyway.
Posted in Type 2
The words guilt and shame are often used interchangeably, but they have very different meanings. Guilt is the result of something we either did or didn’t do (if we believe we should have done it). In other words, guilt arises from an act we have some control over. The act or omission may be unintentional, but we were still the agent in the situation.
Shame relates to our sense of self, of who we are as a person, our very identity. Some of the things we’re ashamed of are things we may have no control over. People are often ashamed of some aspect of how they look (too short, too tall, freckles, thick ankles) or of their backgrounds, for example. We are often ashamed of our perceived flaws, whether those flaws are physical, mental, emotional, or some combination thereof.
Guilt and shame are both feelings. It’s definitely possible to feel both guilty and ashamed of something we did or didn’t do—especially when our actions seem to confirm our worst fears about ourselves. Continue reading
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